


Sasquatch is Real

by sarcasmandirony



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Established Relationship, Halloween, Kissing, M/M, Post-Robert Good Ending, Public Blow Jobs, Vandalism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 13:56:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11670456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcasmandirony/pseuds/sarcasmandirony
Summary: And he gave me a blowjob in the alleyway behind Jim and Kim's.---Or, the one where it's Halloween, and there are costume mishaps, iced teas, dancing, blow jobs, and vandalism.





	Sasquatch is Real

I’m getting ready when I hear a knock at my door, followed by Sally barking.

“Amanda, can you get that?” I ask.

I hear her coming down the stairs. “I’m on it, dad!”

Amanda opens the door.

“Here’s my little pirate,” Robert says in a soft voice. And then, his voice carrying across the hallway: “Amanda, what are you wearing?”

“Robert, relax,” I say, stepping into the living room.

Amanda looks at me, amused.

Robert regards me, displeased.

Sally happily waves her tail in Robert’s arms.

“What is she wearing, Milo?” Robert asks me.

They’re both dressed like Flynt from Ice Road Ghost Truckers, which means Robert is wearing a trucker’s hat, a pair of fingerless black leather gloves, a flashy belt buckle, and dog tags on top of his usual outfit. There are an EVP recorder and an EMF meter attached to his belt.

On his right leg is a thigh holster, and the straps of a shoulder holster peek from below his black leather jacket.

The holsters carry a knife (real) and a Glock (plastic), respectively.

“We’re wearing the same thing,” Robert says, narrowing his eyes at my daughter. “You have to and go change, Amanda.”

Amanda crosses her arms. “Make me.”

Robert furrows his eyebrows.

Amanda scowls.

They’re surprisingly evenly matched. It appears the student has exceeded her teacher.

Robert chuckles after a while. “You got Moxy kid. I appreciate that. However, you know very well we can’t both show up at this party wearing the same thing, which was why I told you in advance what I was going to wear.”

This last part, Robert says while looking at me.

I shrug. Amanda will tell him when she feels like it.

“You know, there is a way we could settle this,” Amanda says.

Robert arches an eyebrow. “Which is?”

Amanda smiles, reaching for her back holster and revealing a knife with a tiny wooden panda hanging from it. “Queensbury rules?” She asks.

“You know it!” Robert says, taking out his own.

“Amanda,” I say warningly.

Amanda giggles. “We’re only playing around, dad,” She tells me. And then, to Robert: “Dude, everything’s alright. I’m going to a different party.”

“You are?” Robert asks, looking at me inquiringly.

“She is,”

“Well, that’s a relief,” Robert says with an exhale, returning his knife to the safety of his thigh holster. “I mean, you’d be welcome to come, Amanda. We’d love to have you around. It’s just, you know, we’re wearing the same thing. It’d be awkward.”

“I know, Robert. Relax,” Amanda says good-naturedly.

At that precise moment, a car jam-packed with kids – too many kids for its size, in fact – parks outside my house.

“Amanda!” They howler, sunglasses in their heads and plastic cups in their hands.

“And here’s my crowd!” Amanda says, giving me a peck on the cheek. “Bye, you two! Have fun!”

“Amanda, wait up,” I tell her. “Some of those people seem drunk already.”

“I’ve driven while drunk for most of my teen and adult lives, and I’m alright,” Robert says with a shrug.

I knock my elbow unto his side.

“Hey! I did, and I am. The kid will be fine!”

Amanda chuckles. “Dad, you know you raised me better than that. _I_ ’ll be driving us to the party. And I promise I’ll only drink juice.” She reassures me.

“And you’ll behave?” I ask her.

“That, I can’t promise!” She says with a devilish smile.

I watch her approach the driver’s seat and, after a few quick words, Amanda squeezes in behind the wheel with a final wave my way. “Bye!”

“Have fun!” _but not too much_ , I refrain from adding.

Robert waves Sally’s little paw at the car.

“Who’s ready to party?” Amanda asks, once inside.

“Yeah!” Her friends howl.

Amanda steps on the gas and drives away from the cul-de-sac, leaving only dust behind her.

“She’ll be alright, won’t she?” I ask Robert, worried.

Robert pats my shoulder reassuringly. “Sure. She went to, like, five parties a week last year, right? She probably has developed a wicked alcohol tolerance by now.”

I side-eye him.

Robert chuckles. “Alright, you want actual reassuring words. Got it.” He says, tightening his hold on my shoulder. “Milo, Amanda is a great kid. You’ve done an excellent job raising her. I’m sure she knows how to handle herself and stay safe. She’ll be fine.”

“Yeah,” I say. “Yeah!” I add more vehemently.

I look at him, a smile on my lips. “You’re right. Thanks.”

“Anytime,” Robert says, setting Sally down while we step back inside, waiting for Marry to arrive. “You’re getting heavy, girl.”

Robert sits on the couch. Sally jumps on his lap, and Robert starts petting her head. Sally slides her remaining eye closed, her scar covered by a pirate eyepatch.

“You could’ve told me Amanda was going to a different party,” Robert says. “Instead, I made a fool of myself.”

“Amanda loved it,” I say.

Satisfied, Sally jumps from Robert’s lap and heads to her favorite chewing toy on the corner – a pair of Robert’s old boots.

Robert crosses his arms. “Those were my favorite boots, you know?”

I chuckle. “Well, next time you should be more careful with your clothes. You always leave them scattered around.”

Robert smiles cockily. “Are you complaining?”

“Never,” I say. “Hey, can you zip me up?”

“Yeah, of course,” Robert says, getting up. He places a hand above my elbow, the other lingering in the zipper of my Sasquatch suit. “Are you wearing anything at all under this?” He asks, his voice at once curious and flirty.

I smile a bashful smile and shake my head.

Robert chuckles softly, intimately, his warm breath on my neck making me shiver. His hand is still on my zipper, his knuckled fingers hovering above the slight bow of my ass.

“Suddenly I really wanna spend this Halloween night in bed. With you.” Robert says in a quiet whisper right above my ear, even if there’s only Sally around to hear him.

I lick my lips, tempted by his proposal.

The soft purr of a car comes to a stop beside my door, bringing us back to reality. We already have plans for tonight.

“Damn it!” Robert says, like a swear. “Rain check?” He asks.

I turn my head back, our eyes meeting.

His pupils are wide, and his skin is flushed and shiny with the tiniest hint of sweat on his forehead. I can feel the rising and falling of his chest, and the warmth of his body. It makes me wanna take his hand in mine and lead him towards my bedroom.

“Always,” I say, my voice slightly hoarse.

Mary honks the horn of her Impala, growing impatient.

“Guys! Come on! Are you screwing?” Mary asks from inside the car. “I was watching a telenovela and eating ice cream! I could’ve stayed home!” She honks the Impala’s horn again.

Sally yaps at the door.

“We better go, or she’ll bring down the whole cul-de-sac,” I say.

Robert chuckles. “Good call.”

He zips me up with only a quick kiss to my neck, the hint of sharp teeth and soft lips and wet tongue a promise for later.

I let out a small moan, the sound catching in my throat.

And then Robert's picking up Sally and stepping into the porch. I follow after him, a Sasquatch mask in my hand.

In the driveway there’s Mary, sitting behind the wheel of a black Chevy Impala, dressed as a nun with her trademark cross hanging around her neck. “Finally.” She says. “Get in, bitches. We’re going clubbing.”

“Wait a second, Mary,” I tell her, getting a pumpkin basket overflowing with candy from my kitchen and setting it beside the jack-o-lantern on my porch.

“Dude, you know you need a dog safety belt to drive with Sally in the car.” Mary's saying when I meet her and Robert on the sidewalk.

“C’mon, Mary. My crib is right there,” Robert says, waving at the other side of the cul-de-sac. “It’s in walking distance.”

“Then _walk_ there,” Mary tells him. “Milo, keep me company while Robert leaves Sally with her babysitter.

“Oh, alright,” Robert says, heading down the street with Sally in his arms. “Next time we visit Auntie Mary you can pee on her nice carpet. You have my permission.”

“I heard that!” Mary calls after him.

I get in the car, sitting beside her. “How have you been, Mary?” I ask.

“Clearheaded,” Mary says, her progress over the past few months kept in a single word.

"I'm proud of you," I say.

"I'm proud of me, too," Mary smiles, circling around the cul-de-sac and parking by Robert’s home.

Robert covers Sally’s eye and shows Mary his middle finger before opening the door to his place. Betsy greets them at the threshold, her tail wagging at the sight of Robert, and at the sight of Sally. Sally wags her tail as well.

Robert sets Sally on the floor and gives the girls a pep talk before meeting me and Mary back at the car.

“Everything in order?” Mary asks.

“Yeah. Betsy and Sally have water, food, and a comfy bed. They’ll be alright.” Robert says, opening the passenger’s door. “Get in the back, Milo.”

“What? Why?” I ask.

“Mary and I have been friends the longest,” Robert says. “That gives me the right to pick and choose my seat. And, right now, you’re sitting in it.”

I glance at Mary.

“It’s the rules.” She says.

I roll my eyes. “Fine,” I say, squeezing my way into the back of the Impala. “Think Sally will behave?” I ask.

“Please, Milo,” Robert says, taking his seat. “Betsy can handle a Labrador, even if she is the cutest pirate in all the land.”

Mary speeds from the cul-de-sac once everyone is buckled up, heading to Jim and Kim’s, her radio blasting a song about Jesus that manages to include every swear word in the English language.

Autumn wind rushes in through the open windows. Warm hair blows from the heater. Robert slides on his sunglasses and drapes his arm on the door, a mirror image of Mary sitting by his side.

Robert props his feet on the dashboard.

Mary slaps them down.

She peeks at me through the rearview mirror. “What was that on your porch, Milo?”

“The jack-o-lantern?” I ask.

“Standing _beside_ the jack-o-lantern.”

“Oh. That. It was a basket Robert made me for Halloween. I filled it with candy and left it on the porch, so kids that come trick-or-treating won’t cover the place with toilet paper.”

Robert chuckles. “Oh, I remember doing that when I was younger.”

Mary smirks. "Last year, you mean."

“You guys left candy for the trick-or-treaters, right?” I ask.

Robert pffts. “Like anyone would ever dare prank my place.”

I turn to Mary.

“Trick-or-treaters generally leave apartments be. Besides, it’s easier to wash away flour and eggs from a door than it is to clean an entire house.” Mary gets a mischievous glint in her eyes. “Joseph went trick-or-treating with the kids. I guess someone could prank his house, and my dear ex-husband would ever know who did it.”

Robert smirks. “That would be good for a laugh.”

“Are you guys saying what I think you’re saying?” I ask.

“Hush, Milo. Plausible deniability.” Robert says.

I lay back on my seat, arms crossed. “You _always_ say that.”

 

* * *

 

Jim and Kim’s is packed when we arrive.

Around the bar, I see a few familiar faces – Damien and his son, Lucien, dressed like Dracula and Dracula junior.

“Oh my God. Damien’s dressed like a vampire!” Robert says. “It’s like he’s making fun of me!

“Yeah, Robert, Damien’s dressed like a vampire. And you’re dressed like Flynn from Ice Road Ghost Truckers. I’m a holy sister, and Milo is Sasquatch. It’s Halloween. Everyone’s doing it,” Mary says, her tone only a little bit sarcastic.

“Do you still think Damien is a vampire?” I ask.

“Maybe. Then again, Damien’s practically giving himself away dressing like an actual vampire,” Robert says, scratching his head.

Sharing a smile and an ‘oh, well’ look with Mary, we head towards the bar.

Neil really was feeling the Halloween spirit when he decorated the place. There are jack-o-lanterns in every table and skeletons in every corner. Hanging from the ceiling are pumpkin, bat, and black cat themed banners. Amanda would've loved those banners, especially the bat themed ones.

“Excellent job setting up the place, Neil,”

“Thanks, Robert. Appreciate it, dude.” Neil says. “It's been a while since I’ve seen you around. Can I get you anything?”

“Three iced teas, please,” Robert asks.

“Coming right up,” Says Neil.

“We’re gonna drink ice teas. In a bar. At Halloween,” Mary says. “God, I should’ve stayed home watching scary movies and listening to punk rock music.”

“C’mon, Mary. We came to have fun! You need to think fun! Besides, why drink when everyone else in the bar is doing it – it’s so mainstream. You used to be a rebel, Mary. What happened?” Robert shakes his head, nudging her shoulder.

Mary giggles. “Fine. I guess I’ll give it a try.”

“Hell yeah! First round is on me.” Robert says, pulling out his wallet. “Actually, I’m kinda empty. Milo, can you get this?” He asks with a dazzling, charming smile.

“Yeah, I – I’ll get it,” I say, a little flustered. Robert's smile still catches me off-guard sometimes.

Drinks in hand, we wander the bar in quest of an empty table. When Robert gets tired of searching, he and Mary persuade a few kids to go somewhere else. The exchange is both brief and incredibly impressive.

They could rule the world, those two.

I set my Sasquatch mask on the table and take a sip of my iced tea. “What have you been up to, Mary?” I ask.

“Oh, you know. AA meetings. Therapy. Weekends with the kids. Weekdays at the animal shelter. I’m keeping busy.” Mary says, nursing her iced tea between her hands.

“And how is your new place treating you?”

“Eh, alright, I guess,” Mary says. “You saw it.”

“When we saw it, you were still settling in,” I say, which means there were cardboard boxes and bags scattered all around the apartment.

“It’s smaller than my house at the cul-de-sac,” Mary says, having a taste of a lemon slice. “It’s cozier than my mom’s apartment. And it’s far, far away from my old place and Joseph and the parish.” She says, twirling her cross between her fingers.

“How are the kids taking all this?” Robert asks, meaning the divorce.

“I think they’re fine. Lately, I’ve been spending more time with them. I’ve been baking with Christie and playing chess with Chris and reading with Christian and watching scary movies with all three. Crish spends his time in his crib, bless him.” Mary is smiling. A sincere smile. “Things are different, now. With Joe, we each had distinct roles. I was the mom that worried and criticized and nagged, and I eventually got tired of that. Joe was the fun, caring dad. Now, I get to be both, and I love being both. And I’ll never be that person again.”

“It’s hard, becoming a different person,” Robert says.

“It is.” Mary agrees.

Robert glances at me. “You know, someone once told me that, if changing was easy, everyone would do it. I think we’re doing alright, you and I.”

“Wise words,” Mary says, clinking their glasses together.

“My words,” I say. Mary and Robert look at me at once, smiles on her lips. “I was the one that said that.”

They giggle.

I could get used to that sound – Robert and Mary giggling. It makes them seem carefree and lighter, and happier than they were before.

Robert gets a text.

Mary nudges my furry leg with her high heel. “How’s Amanda doing?”

“Oh, she’s doing fine. She’s been studying more this year, getting better grades and going to fewer parties. And she’s doing what she loves. What more can a dad ask for?”

“Smart girl, Amanda. I wonder where she gets it from,” Mary says with a devious smile. Even her roguish smiles are kinder now, softer around the edges.

Robert gets another text.

“Who are you talking to?” I ask him, holding his hand.

Robert turns his hand around, palm up, and entwines his fingers with mine, his thumb drawing quiet circles on my skin.

I look at his hand. I’ve traced every tiny little scar there. I could draw them in my sleep.

“It’s Val. Tomorrow she’s gonna look at apartments with Ronna. She’s really excited. We’ll be live chatting the entire day! I’ve already set three alarms.” Robert says, checking to see if they’re still active.

Robert’s equal parts excited and anxious, afraid that he might let her down again, and trying his hardest not too.

“And when are you two getting a place of your own?” Mary asks.

Robert looks at me like a deer in the headlights, like the idea has never before passed his mind.

“It’s still a little early for that,” I say, brushing my finger and forefinger together. I smile. We never really did things in the right order, anyway. Why would getting a house be any different?

“If you say so,” Mary finishes her iced tea. “Okay. We’ve had our drinks. We’ve talked about our lives. What now?” She asks.

“We could dance,” I offer.

Mary arches an eyebrow. “Dance?”

“Yeah, Mary. Dance! Come on! It'll be fun!” Robert says, setting his drink on the table.

“Yeah, let's dance!” I say, slipping my Sasquatch mask back on.

Robert and I each take one of Mary’s hands and pull her towards the dance floor. Mary rolls her eyes and smiles and lets herself be led away.

We dance in a small and intimate circle, shaking our bodies to the beat and laughing at our silly dance moves. Robert and I take turns spinning Mary around, her skirt twirling freely. I shake my big, furry Sasquatch arms in the air, disco dancing. Robert, his arms by his side and his lips in a smolder and his sunglasses covering his eyes, slowly moves his body from side to side.

“I think I need another drink,” Mary says after a while, her chest heaving. "It's getting really hot in here."

“Do you want us to come with?” Robert asks.

Mary shakes her head. “Keep dancing. Have fun. Damien is at the bar, anyway. He’ll keep me company.”

“Howler if he tries anything vampire-like,” Robert tells her.

Mary rolls her eyes and heads towards the bar, taking a seat beside Damien, what seems like a Bloody Mary in his hands.

“It’s weird they’re friends,” Robert says.

“And why’s that?” I ask, arms in the air.

“He’s a vampire and Mary has a cross around her neck.” He says like it explains everything.

I laugh, shaking my head.

Taking a step forward, I wrap my hairy Sasquatch arms around his neck.

Robert, his hands on my waist, traces the gentle curve of my ass.

Our breaths intermingle in the dance floor, we're dancing so close.

Robert lifts my mask, revealing the pink and slightly parted shape of my lips, and kisses me. The kiss is sloppy and wet and perfect, Robert pinching my ass as he slips his tongue into my mouth.

“You know,” Robert says, his voice smooth, our bodies practically glued together. “You look kinda hot in a Sasquatch suit, even more so when you’re wearing nothing underneath.”

“The suit was too hot to wear anything else,” I say, looking at his lips, and he licks them like he's trying to tease me. Or maybe they're already dry with lust. Knowing Robert, it's probably both.

And then: “Have you ever done it in an alleyway?” I ask.

Robert arches an eyebrow. “I’ve done a lot of things in alleyways in my day, but never that,” He says, his smile turning cheeky, “Wanna rectify that?”

“I was starting to think you’d never ask.”

Robert chuckles. “Meet me at the back door in a few seconds. I’m just gonna switch nicotine patches,” Robert says, heading towards the bathroom.

Watching the retreating form of Robert’s ass, incredible looking in his tight jeans, I look around for the back door.

I’m still looking around when Robert comes back, taking my hairy Sasquatch hand in his.

“Come along, Milo,” He says, leading me through the sweaty mess of bodies.

On our way to the alleyway, Robert knocks into Neil.

“Oh, sorry bro,” Robert apologizes.

Neil, making sure all the drinks he’s carrying on a silver tray are still standing, breathes a sigh of relief and gives Robert a thumbs-up. “All cool, dude.”

The back door’s in a corner, hidden away from prying eyes with a skeleton keeping guard. Walking through it, we step into a dim-lit alleyway and Robert locks the door behind us.

“How?” I ask.

Robert winks at me, a cocky smile on his lips. “I snatched it from Neil’s pocket when we were heading towards here.”

"Sneaky," I say, looking both ways. On the left is a deserted sidewalk, lit by the yellow light of a street lamp. On the right is a dead end, painted with colorful street art. Among the various paintings are several knives.

Robert wraps his hands around my neck and pulls me toward him, smashing our lips together.

“Still wanna do this?” He asks, pulling my bottom lip with his teeth.

“Yeah,” I say, my voice eager and raw.

Robert’s hands press down on my shoulders until I’m kneeling on the gravel.

His fingers work with remarkable efficiency at his belt buckle and jeans and quickly reveal the swelling shape of his big, half hard cock below his underwear.

I jerk at the band of Robert’s boxer briefs, freeing his dick, which jerks up towards my face upon release, its head catching on the bow of my lips.

Robert lifts the fabric of his shirt with one hand and grabs his cock with the other.

“Are you ready for this?” He asks, slapping his dick on my tongue and face.

“More than ready,” I say, my breath fogging in the chilly autumn air. With careful fingers, I gently pull Robert’s foreskin back and wrap my lips around him.

A breath turns into a moan in Robert’s throat, his hand caressing the crown of my head.

Robert’s cock is warm and sweet in my mouth. It tastes like sweat, and it smells like Robert after a quick run. I trace his happy trail up his muscled belly with my fingers, his skin shivering beneath my touch.

My tongue teases his pink head, and my hand strokes the hairy base of his cock with increasing speed.

Robert’s breaths turn ragged and swift, punctuated by soft, quiet whimpers. His cock gets wider and wider in my hand, heavier and heavier in my tongue, and I take more and more of his length into my mouth with each stroke.

Robert moans gloriously as I swallow the entire length of him, a groan echoing across the empty alleyway like a piano key holding a long note.

My nose nuzzles at his happy trail, the tip of his cock caressing the back of my throat raw.

Robert’s fingers tighten in the hair of my mask, keeping me in place for as long as I can hold, and letting me go once I choke.

Taking big, breath-fulls of air, I stroke Robert’s cock with my hand, wet with dribble and pre-cum and swollen with blood in his veins.

We’ve been together for long enough now for me to know Robert’s body by heart.

A twist of my fist in the base of his cock makes him release a shaky groan, hips thrusting his cock deeper into my mouth.

A nibble with the tiniest hint of tongue on his thigh makes Robert’s breath catch softly in his throat.

A sloppy trail of wet kisses along his balls makes his lips part in a silent moan, his eyelids fluttering closed while his fingers distractedly pet my head.

A lick of my tongue across his shaft makes him hold in a moan, a droplet of cum falling down my bottom lip.

After a while of stroking his cock, Robert cums with a cry and a whimpered _fuck_ , a hand twisted in my hair and the other catching on the back door's threshold.

I swallow him whole.

Robert takes hold of his cock, twisting his length in his hand and slapping his dick on my lips, the last droplets of cum landing on my tongue.

Holding me by my armpits, Robert pulls me up and joins our lips in a sloppy, languid kiss, tasting himself on my mouth.

His hand finds the bulging shape of my cock beneath the Sasquatch suit, brushing his palm along its length. My dick is already hard and swollen and I quickly cum in my Sasquatch suit with a moan that Robert swallows with a passionate kiss.

Robert pulls back, a lazy smile on his lips, a twinkle of mischief in his eyes.

“I guess the Sasquatch is real, and he gave me a blowjob in the alleyway behind Jim and Kim’s,” He says, and I laugh.

Robert laughs as well, his eyes wrinkling, his cheeks dimpling.

The wrinkles in Robert’s eyes and the dimples on his cheeks make him look happier and, weirdest of all, younger.

Robert leans on the door and pulls me with him, my forehead on his shoulder, my mask fallen, forgotten, on the floor.

I nibble at his neck, the softest part of him, and he pets my hair and the side of my chest while we get back our breaths.

“Milo, I have something to say,” Robert says, bashfully.

“You can tell me anything, Robert. You know that.”

“The truth is, I’ve only had two serious relationships in my lifetime before I met you.” He admits. “This relationship thing is kinda new to me. I completely forgot about moving in together was a thing couples did. I guess I’ve been alone for too long.”

“Robert, hey,” I brush my hands along his temples and his graying hair. “We’ve talked about this. We’ll do things at our own speed.”

“That’s the thing, Milo. I kinda want to move in together now. I've been wanting for us to move in together for a while, I guess,” Robert says like it’s a secret. “Half my clothes are in your place, and half your clothes are in mine. I have your favorite coffee brand on my kitchen cabinets and your favorite TV shows on my DVR. You have pineapple pizza in your freezer and wood shavings on the floor of your garage. We’re practically living together already.”

Robert takes a deep breath, then, bracing himself for the question he's about to ask. “What do you say, Milo? Do you want to live with me?”

“Like you even have to ask,” I tell him with a kiss.

He smiles and kisses me back.

We get back inside the bar after a while, holding hands.

Mary is still at the bar, waving Damien farewell.

“Hey, you two,” Mary says as we approach her. “Damien’s heading home. Maybe we should, too. It's getting kinda late. Where were you, anyway?” She asks.

Robert and I share a look, his amused and cocky, mine bashful.

“Never mind,” Mary says with a smile, getting up.

We head back to her car. I sit on the back, and Robert takes the seat by Mary’s side.

Mary pulls her hair loose, throwing her costume's headpiece to the floor. Robert checks her neck for vampire bites.

“What are you doing?” Mary asks, catching his roaming eyes.

Robert looks away. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Mary chuckles. “Yeah, right,”

She turns on the ignition, music blasting from the Impala’s speakers.

I’m already missing the weight of Robert’s hand in mine as we drive back towards the cul-de-sac. We aren’t a couple that is given to PDA. However, we always cuddle after sex. Robert is like a big, cuddly bear, his arms always around me when I fall asleep, or my arms around him – a part of our bodies always touching.

I guess I’ll have to wait until we get home. The wait is worth it.

“You remember what I said about pranking Joseph’s house?” Mary asks before parking at a convenience store.

“How could I ever forget,” Robert says with a smirk.

Mary glances my way through the rearview mirror. “What do you think, Milo?”

“Uh,” I say, unsure.

“It’s only a little vandalism,” Robert says, waggling his eyebrows. “Even if we get caught, we’d only pay a small fine or spend up to a year in state jail.”

“How do you know that?” I ask.

“Colorful past, remember?” Robert says, patting my leg, “C’mon, it’ll be fun.”

“Oh, alright,” I say. I knew when I met Robert that it was just a matter of time before he’d convince me to commit a crime. And I guess I kinda already have a criminal record, so, what the heck?

“Fuck yeah!” Robert and Mary say at once, throwing their fists in the air.

We leave the car and get flour, milk, eggs, and toilet paper at the convenience store.

“Now let’s go have fun!” Robert says as we head back towards the Impala, his arm around my shoulder. “And I was only kidding before. If we get caught, I’ll take all responsibilities – I’d never let you go to jail.” He promises, which is kinda sweet.

Back in the cul-de-sac, we park by Robert’s place and head toward Joseph’s.

Mary mixes milk and flour when we reach his front-yard.

“Take that, you Asshole!” Mary says, throwing the mixture at her ex-husband’s door.

“Yeah, Mary, get crazy!” Robert encourages her, handing her a few eggs.

Mary takes one. “This is for being charming and kind and sweet when we first met,” She says, throwing an egg at a window. “This is for getting me to marry you!” A second egg splatters on the wall. “And for taking me for granted! And for convincing me to have kids! And for keeping me on the sidelines of our kid’s lives! And for being charming, and attentive and persuasive and making promises you had no intentions of keeping whenever I wanted to leave!”

Mary’s breathing heavily now, each sentence punctuated by an egg throw.

"Feel any better?” Robert asks.

“Yeah,” Mary’s lips widen and then she’s giggling. “Yeah, I am. I guess I needed that. My therapist did say I need to exteriorize my anger more. I guess she’s right.”

“Can Milo and I throw the rest?” Robert asks.

“Yeah, sure,” Mary says, taking a seat by a tree trunk.

Robert hands me an egg. “Here, Milo, try it.”

I take the egg, feel its weight in my hand and look at the house, already a battlefield. “This is for breaking my friends’ hearts!” I say before grabbing a second egg. “And for being handsome!”

Robert regards me with an arched eyebrow.

I shrug. “What? He is.”

“That’s what makes him the worse!” Mary says from her place on the grass, smoking a cigar. It seems like she’s still holding on to some of her vices.

“Stupid Joseph!” Robert says, throwing an egg at the door.

His eyebrows furrow, looking at the remaining egg in his hand.

“What?” I ask him.

“That felt less cathartic than I thought it would. I guess I’m not angry at him anymore.” Robert says like even himself is surprised at this revelation.

Robert takes a roll of toilet paper from the bag. “Still wanna use this?”

“Hell yeah!” Mary says, flicking her cigarette’s stub on a garbage can by the mailbox. “If you see him cleaning this, take pictures.”

“I’ll shoot a video,” Robert promises.

We throw the toilet paper between Mary, Robert, and I, until the two trees in Joseph’s yard are covered in white paper, like Christmas trees.

The three of us stand back, taking in the night's work.

“Here’s to a job well done,” Robert says, bumping fists with Mary.

“What are you guys doing?” Amanda asks from behind us.

I lift my hands up. “Sweetie, I can explain –”

“We’re vandalizing Joseph’s house,” Robert says unapologetically.

I send a displeased look his way.

“That I can see,” Amanda says, hands on her hips. “What I want to know is why you are vandalizing someone’s home, and didn’t invite me?”

Robert giggles.

Mary smiles. “I always knew I liked your daughter, Milo.”

“You were at your party, Panda,” I say.

“Well, since you didn’t invite me, and you are all otherwise occupied, I guess I’ll have to be the adult,” She says, crossing her arms sternly. “The two of you are grounded. Mary, stay cool.”

Mary looks at us with a smirk. “See, I’m cool.”

“Now, go home, before anyone else catches you. You’ve been doing a racket over here.” Amanda tells us.

“Goodnight, Panda!” I say as we head back to Mary’s car, giggling like teenagers.

“Night, Dad,” My daughter calls after me, heading home.

Waving goodbye at Mary, we head to Robert’s house. Betsy and Sally are waiting for us when we get in, tails wagging and tongues lolling.

Robert makes sure they have water and food before leading me upstairs.

We fall on his bed immediately, the excitement of the day proving to be too much for two old dads like us.

We fall asleep instantly – my cheek in his chest, his arm around me.

Holding hands.

The following day, we start looking for a new home. Our new home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you want, you can follow me at my [ tumblr ](http://sarcasmandirony.tumblr.com/).


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